Sh!T

SHIT . Yea , shit is the title and the shit is ME . . .

A pile of shit ! Yea I'm just a pile of shit . Huh ! All day I just busy up myself with think how to study well and prove to myself that I can . But I end up with nothing . I try to find a way to force myself to study , but seems like nothing that I planned is goes right . Heck , I'm out of idea . I burst myself to think a way how to study but it doesnt goes well .

Every pages that I read and try to understand . Nothing stick in my head . All that stuck in my head just a curse word from myself that I'm such a DUDE !

Well , I don't care if I'm a dude . I don't even care of my life . Nothing seems important for me even if I die in a second . But there's something I need to done when it started , there's something I need to pay before I left and there's something I need to prove before I go . . .

I need to end up well the life that my parents gave to me . They bring me to this world , and let me know how amazing the god creature is . . .

I need to pay all the debt to my family and people arounds me . They give all that I need just to make my life complete as others . The care , the love , the attention and the support is priceless . I wonder whether I'm able to pay it back or not even I give the rest of my life to them . . .

Then same goes with prove . What should I prove and to whom should I prove ? I want to prove to others , to my family and people around me that I'm able to stand on my own , I'm able to fly on my own wings and I'm able to make they proud of themselves cuz giving me a life to live . . .

This is all that give me the strengh to hold tight from the place I am now . Study . I can't move even a step before I succeed , but I feel so stress with everything that I done but nothing's work . Feels like giving up . Feels sucks , damn and Awh~ ! It's really don't feel great . I wanna end this but I just can't make a move to leave from where I'm stepping now . Or else I will turn up to be NOTHING . . .

AnOtHer L!fe..

Another life...

That's it!The words that been swirling in my head and make me feel sucks!But yet I still have to go on with it.Haizz..What more can I do to let myself forget all that gonna happen soon.All that I can do is sit silently and sigh with what I gonna face next year."Jac,it's not the end of the world lah!"I keep remind myself with those words.To let myself feel better with the fate that been written for me and with the decision that I've made...

2010.It's gonna be a tough life and a new life for me afterall.I gonna leave from where I used to be and go to a place that I don't let myself to treasure.I will leave here and move to kl to stay with my mom next year.Huh!Well it don't sounds big deal right?But why it must be now?There's still left a year for me to finish my secondary,why they don't let me to finish it here?I only left a year before I move to kl and live another life,why they have to take the only times that I left to let me live a life that I've been through since 16 years ago?

I really don't understand my parents,they made decision for my life even they know they "torture" me if they do that.Yea,life is sometimes sucks for me but I still love the place that I stand now.I really unwilling to let others to snacth the moments that left for me...

Why can't they understand me?Huh!I'm smiling even my hearts crying,I'm look'a alright even I'm not ok and my heart's breaking when I found I had to leave here,left a the memories and everything that treasure here...I love what I have now,even it's not complete but I'm still happy with it.THIS IS MY LIFE...

But god had made it's decision.I gonna leave soon even my soul don't let me to do so.I can rebel with the decision that they made but someone had open my eyes and change my decision.

He is the one that I respect,he loves me and I love him.He can't let me go,but he still let me go and force me to go even his hearts turn into ashes...He willing to sacrifire his feelings to let me have a better future,it's make me think,if he can.Why can't I sacrifire and fight for a better future for myself?Yea,it's gonna be suckc but I believe that time will do it's miracle...

Grandpa,I love you so much,I appreciate all that you taught me.Even we aways less communicate to each other but I love you more than myself.This is the man that I mention,the one who I owe a lot but never hope for a return.The one that taught me how to stand even I'm fall.The one who lead me to had my life.And the one who try for his best to give the best for my life...

There's a word,a man cry without a tears.This is true,man seldom roll down their tears..But if they do,what that's mean?My grandpa roll down his tears when he agree to let me stay with my mom,but even he sad with it,he still insists me to go..That night he sat on a sofa while watching tv,I was in my room that time.

A moment later I heard my grandpa and ma coversation.

Grandpa:Don't you sad your grandaughter gonna leave you soon?

Grandpa:She is the one I brought up after her mom,the one that I willing to wake in dawn to make sure she's alright.I love her,and she had accompany me for 16 years of life and now she gonna leave me soon...

After that my grandma knock my door and ask me to go down,I sit beside him and look at him.A familiar face that aways bring sushine in my life now had roll down it's tears and show it's sadness...

God!If you were in that situation,what will you feel?How you gonna act?I just too weak to act cool and calm him down.In that situation,I just look at him and I feel a liquid roll rushly on my cheek...

I'm really touch with what he had sacrifire for me.I don't know why but I willing to do the same thing too...

ThErE's @ Re@sOn BeH!nD EveRyTh!nG

Recently I'm just like a living skeleton.Sleep,eat,on9-ing,watching tv,text-ing and nothing more than that.That's my complete everyday routine.But a few days ago,there's unxpected incident happen to me.Heck.I try to forget what had happen that night.I try to throw all sadness and heartache in me since that night.But painess cant be thrown.I think it never will be cure too and it will bleed again someday.The incident wont end there.There still another episode of it that await's me in the future,and I sure for it.

Huh!I dont know where should I start it.Really,I dont know.Well maybe I should introduce her 1st...

Her name is Kadie Lee Hui Ann.My "lovely cousin".She's beautiful for me,with her brown round eyes,stands on 170 cm.Had a white fair skin,a small red lips and a perfect physical that can make every guy wish to had her.That's true,the reality is she's totally beautiful outside but not inner...

I'm writing this not to let whole world know what "good deed" had she done for me.But human hav mind to judged by themself what type of person she is.=.=

1st and foremost,to Kadie,this is not what I hope,but I just cant stop thinking all that had you done to me.I not going to say sorry.If you read this post,take your time and think thoroughly what had happened between us.I'm here not to judge what kind of person you're or to tell the story to whole world so they will sympathy to me.NO!That's definitly not my intention but what I post here is just to let out what I feel...

Since small she hates me.I dont hav any idea why she hates me so much.I still remember when the 1st time we met.I sit beside her but she push me without a reason.It's clear that she doesnt like me.But I dont care that much that time cuz I dont know why she act like that but I just let it cuz do whatever you want but dont cross the limit.Later,I stay in my cousin's room.Kadie sudden came in and say loudly "There's someone that being throw by her own parents here!"The "her" that Kadie means is me.That time I was shock,she stare at me and smile.I stare her too and gosh!No one know how I feels that time.But that is just a start,a start of something more exciting.She came to me and ask "Why you stare at me?Angry?Hah.hah.hah."That moment I do nothing but keep staring at her,my mind's empty and the only left in me is anger.She took the books in my hand and tear it,pages by pages.I dont know what is she gonna do next,but I had to say she's really a smart girl.After she tear all the pages she bring the book and crying in front my aunt and told her,I snatch the book and tear it.Yea,she's good in acting and everyone sure believe with what she say cuz there only me and her in that room and plus,who will trusted an abandoned child like me right?

The incident end there,and me?Well I being scold by my mom and countless stroke of rattan since I dont admit that I did it.And my cousin's mad me for tear his book even in the reality I'm not!I deserved it huh?A pain and hate for no reason but all that had past,10 years incident but everything is still clearly in my mind.The pain still in me,it accompany me to through this 10 years of life and I learnt something pricelss from it.

Like I said,it's not end there.That just a beggining,beggining to an exciting game called "life".I met her again,and that time I was 10 or 11 years old.I still remember how she act in front me.Come and sit beside me and show to others how beautiful she is and how "high-class" she is.But who cares?Why she hav to act in front of me?Like I care.=.="

I'm giving her an emotionless face as responce.Cuz I dont feel anything with her act.Then she sudden say "There's someone who dont know what is the meaning of shame,her parents are divorce and left her.She's an abandoned child.Euww!No one wants her.hah..hah..hah.."Yea, that's really a "funny" joke!!

A moment later,we sit in living room with her parents and my parents.That is the moment where I feel the volcanoe in my head burst out without controlled for the 1st time.She's "accidentally" say "Why this abandoned child hav to be my cousin?Her mom and dad left her.Yerr,it's shame.Her mom dont lov her" and bang!!I drop a glass...She stare at me and shout on my face "Hey,abandoned child!You want to revenge right?Cuz not satisfied with me!"My mouth shut tight but my heart yelling"yea!I'm doing it with intention!"She smile then say "See,abandoned child really rude!"But in the same time,I dont realize what I do but my palms already reach her face.I slap her.Slap her with all my energy and the most great part is,I do it in front her parents.What her parents reaction?They just shut up their mouth,yea that's the good way cuz if they scold me I surely will act the same on them cuz anger filled up in me that time.I dont care what gonna happen to me,cuz I thought my parents surely gonna kill me for it but the things doesnt happen in that way.Before she left her parents come and say sorry to me.But her?She's still hold a grudge on me and like I thought.She will create another episode next time.But I dont care much,cuz like I say dont cross the line or u gonna pay for it.

Years by years,she keep's making prolems to me when everytime I met her but I learn to be patience,learn to be grateful wit what she had teach me till the day where history repeat itself...

She admire a guy,the guy is a friend of mine.She ask for a phone no and I gav her.But I dont know what I had done till she say I'm couple with the guy when I know she admire that guy.Hah?!Go to hell lah with those thing!It's so unlogic!She keep accusing me that I be with that guy cuz I want to revenge.Cuz I dont like her and I want to snatch everything that belongs to her.Man!I not so childish to play that kind of "game",and she's really make me piss off..

Not only cuz of the guy,even I'm going out with my cousin without her then she thought I'm trying to make my cousin's them stay away from her.She's totally crazy and live in her own world.I really cant stand with what she had done.Till 1 day,she keeps saying and shouting at me.Accused me this and that till my head burst and I throw a glass to her..She's shocked for sure and me too.I wish I throw the glass on her face,let her perfect face leave a scar cuz of the pieces of glass.But I dont.Dont thx me for that cuz I had a plan to do so...

And yet the stories continue last few nights,she call me...

Kadie:Hey you,why ha you always act to let other's sympathy on you?

Me:Hah?Who are you?(Cuz that time I dont recognize her voice and I dont hav her no)

Kadie:You dont know who me are?A girl that you hate and always find a way to revenge lah!(this time I just realize that is her)Why ha they all treat you so good?You really good on acting dont you,ask a sympathy from others..

Me:What the hell is this?What sympathy?I dont do anything and I never ask a sympathy from others..

Kadie:Cehh!Liar!They like you so much,they pay attention to you so much.It's cuz you ask a sympathy from them lah!Cuz you're lack of attention and lov from your family.You dont feel embarassed meh?

Me:Hey talk nicely,What the hell you want from me?I dont ask a sympathy from others and I dont need it!Better shut your mouth tight!

Kadie:Why?Why you sounds angry?Cuz of what I say is the truth right?Hmm now people lucky lol,got so many people like her and concern bout her.Hey remind yourself la,your parents divorce and left you there.You're abandoned child!No need to ask sympathy la..

Me:...

I end the call just like that.Abandoned child...Only that words keep appear in my mind now.I heard this word since I was 6.But why the feeling is different this time.In me there's nothing left except "ANGER".That is what I feel that time.I try to call my other cousin and ask what happen till Kadie sudden act that way.

It's maybe sounds silly.No,it do sounds silly,my cousin's bought me a branded jacket.Kadie's was there and she feel not satisfied with it and call me to let out her unsastifaction...I dont willing people call me abandoned child just cuz of a jacket!Yea,it's expensive but do it's worth?No,I dont ask them to bought it for me,I dont ask them to treat me good.But why I hav to be the victim cuz of her stupid unsastifaction feeling?Is it my fault if they hate her?Is it my fault if they treat me good?And most of it is,Do I hav to be blame cuz of my parents divorce?Do I hav to be blame cuz they leave me and let others brought me up?

Maybe...maybe I'm abandoned child.Being left and lack of parents lov and attention.But I never ask a sympathy from anyone and I dont need it!I will never beg others to sympathy on me cuz of what that happen to me.NEVER...

I know who I'm...But I still hav a dignity.Even how bad I'm,even if I was an abandoned child but I dont allow others to judge my life and call me as "ABANDONED CHILD"!!Who is she to judge who I'm?Who is she to torture my feelings since I was kid?

I dont know why but I really cant accept she call me as abandoned child.Huh!I heard it since I was 6.Yea I do feel angry that time but it's different wit this one...When the words strike in my ears,it was like a deep slice of cut in my heart..It do..And it's do pain enough...I try to forget about it,but the words never varnished from my mind...It's keep haunting me.Damn!I want to throw the feeling's away but I cant.

Abandoned child...abandoned child...It's just a word huh?But it's enough to break my heart,slice my heart into pieces...

Honestly,I still feel the hatred,the grudge that I hold tight since that night and the flame in me...

I wash away the words forget in my mind and it's filled with what she say that night.I just cant forget about it.I dont know why I shut tight my heart for a forgiveness...Guys,do I cruel if I hold a grudge on her?Do it's my fault if I hate her?Do I cruel if I shut tight my heart for forgiveness?

Yea,maybe I should just forget about it..But I cant,for now I really cant...

The pain is aching and it's still bleeding...

For now I still hate her for what she had done on me...

I dont care what people gonna think bout me.Do think as you wish,if you think I'm bad depends then cuz I"m.I dont regret wit what I had done to her.Even if I kill her someday...

Maybe I should thx her too,for all this 10 years she keep taught me to be more tough and to be more careful in this life.Life isn't as simple as we thought,it's challenging and full of tricks...

But one thing I want her to know,even I'm abandoned child and I dont hav a perfect family as she does but I still know how to respect people...My family even are from a broken family but they still taught me how to be grateful wit what I have and respect others.Not to look down on others cuz they are imperfect or etc...

And all of this wont end here...

Me@n!ng Of L!fe

What is da meaning of life to you?Hmm this question sounds just an ordinary question for us but actually can anybody tell me what is da real meaning of life??

Everybody's r different,different in physically n mentally.That's why there r millions of definition to life,it cuz each mortal hav their own description to life.

Some says life is like a roses,it nice to be seen but it hurt u once u touch it.

Some says life is like a tree,it started will a small n growin when da times past n it keep growin on till end of it.

Some of them thought,life can be describe as a cycle,some moments u will b at ups but there r some moments u will b at down.

Life is a big mistake,no matter how we try to correct da mistake,life will still never b perfect cuz we r just a simple human.But even cant make it perfect we still can make it better than before.

Life is like a ship,that sailing without a destination,yet we still sailing to find an islands that belongs to us one day.

I had a frenz that say life is like a climb,we keep climbing to reach da peak of it,but on da way to reach it we struggle wit challenge n obstacle that comes n go.

Life is like an ocean,it's shapeless,unpredictable,we cant figure out when it ups n down.It just come n go without a signals.

Life can b describe as a jungle,a big jungle that had thousands of god creature.They just living in da same jungle,live together n b tolerate wit each other till end of them.

This is a little part of thousands of meaning of life,there r many more meaning of life out there that I never figure it out.Well as for me,no matter what life mean is,we still hav to live it on...

Cuz human born to b liv,god giv da chance to them to walk in this life till end of them.To let they know how wonderful is this world...

Life is fair for everyone even mankind think it's not.Life is beautiful n amazing even it full of challenges.What life means to everyone is nothing,cuz it depends on how da individual thinks bout their life.Some thinks they suffer but some of them b grateful wit what they had in life.Human create to b variety n life?Life is just fair n wonderful for everyone even they dont realize it.

I'm not a philosopher nor a god,I'm just a simple human that trying to share my thought.I know there r many out there that disagree wit my thought,so why not share some of yours here wit me.You can comment as you like n share wit others what you think.I fully appreciate it.

This is just a pointless post,I'm sewing my words without a motive.What I'm write here is just an individual thought.XD

D@rK S!De Of Me

Recently there r many things that happen to my life,it's all about myself...

In every person life there must b a part that b a dark part in their life,n I'm just a little creature of god that hav a little dark part of my life...Since small I lov to keep my feelings all by myself,I learn to b silence,learn to b patience n learn to b quiet.N it's bcome a habit to me,when I had a problems I will keep it all by myself cuz since small there's no one that stand by my side n b my listener.It's like I'm living all alone in this world but obviously it's not...

I hav a friends that told me"Humans always feelings down when they're sad,they think that this world is cruel to them,god is unfair to them.But why not we spend some times n walk around to look da outside world,look on how everyone life is,then that moment we will know that we r not da worse."He told me once before n for me it's true.Walk around,walk to da path that you never walk in n look around others life.They may b worse than you,but they still walking on da path without turn back n crying for their fate.

One thing that everyone sure will learn when they live in this world.Humans will learn how to b tough!!Life is full of challenges.It comes n go wherenever it want without sympathy...

Well my life,hmm I not da worse but nor da lucky one.I'm just a simple human that having another "little story" of mine.Some says I'm much better than da orphanage child,they mayb even dont know who their parents r.

I had a divorce parents,my dad re married n so r my mother.In reality both of them concern about my life even they found a "new life" for them.

But life is not that simple,my dad wife hates me!She loves my dad(I'm sure about it)but she cant accept me as my dad daugther.WHY??That da question.She makes trouble when everytimes my dad bring me back to his house,she torture my dogs n keep blaming my dad cuz of da simple mistake that I done.X last,my dad has to b da victim when everytime she not sastisfied wit me...

I'm a bad girl,but for her information I still know how to respect others if they know how to b polite wit others.She even dont know how to treat others politely but she ask for a respect in return.Hey man?!What da hell is it??Even I'm bad n I'm younger than her but x least I know that"If you want others to respect you,than you hav to respect them 1st"that is my principe.I can accept if she dont accept me as a part of her family but please show some respect to my dad...

It's sucks when everytime she makes trouble,she yelling n shouting without a point.Da motive is only one,she wanna let me know n try by myself how her child "suffer" when everytimes she argue wit my dad.But there r one thing that she doesnt know,that I'm growing up wit seeing people argue everyday.I'm used to it!!N what she done wit her crazy idea is useless n childish!!

That is what happen on my dad's side,n here another story about my mother side.

As I say in da earlier,my mother re married.I have a good stepfather.Yea, he really does a good stepfather to me.He treat me well n nice just like her own flesh blood daugther.N I thought he as my own father too.Well here it seems like nothing bad happen.But when it comes to my stepfather family,there's a problem...

None of my stepfather family knows that my mother r married before n had a daugther.Da reason why my mother keep it as a secret cuz she scared my stepfather family cant accept her or maybe will look down on a divorce women like her.My mom explain it to me before n apologize for what that she had done.But da one that I cant accept is I cant called my mom as "mom" when my stepfather family around wit us.Imagine that you hav to act as not as your own mother child.How that feels?

I had to act as my mom stepsister that being adopt by my grandparents.God!!Why you have to giv me such a big challenge?I'm just a weak teenager that wanna throughing this life as other...

Everytimes when I wit them,there r one women that ask me in front of my mom n my grandma why do my real parents left me?(cuz they thought I as my grandma stepdaugther)That time I really wanna let she know that da parents that u mean left me is beside me,she's there wit all of us.But I hold myself,shut my mouth n bite my tongue.What answer should I giv to that women?

As a daugther,what my mom done to me is hurt.Do she know she kills "me" when she do so?Do she knows my heart break n it's bleeding?Do she knows I crying silently even I'm smiling that time?Even I'm smiling,but stand by my side n look into my eyes,there's a tears n every drop of tears is like a blood that bleed in my heart...Is it I'm bad if I blame my mom?Is it I'm cruel if I act violently?

I really,really dont know that should I accept what my mom done to me n just forgive her cuz she is my mom!!Da one that feel da pain n fight for life just to giv me a chance to know da world.She done a big sacrifire to me before cuz she giv me a chance to walk in this world.That's why god want me to sacrifire myself for my mother in return.

God,I want you to know that I'm not agree wit what you let me through in this world.But if this is my fate that you wrote for me.Then I will accept it no matter how much it cost me...There must b reason why you let me through all this...

Mom,to b honest I hate wit what you done to me.It hurt me n it kills me silently,but no matter what you had done I still will try to forgive n forget all that you had done.No one's perfect n I know even you treat me like this but you still love me in your heart..

Guys,this is a long post...I dont know what happen to me for writing all my stupid life story here.But I hop no one's remind me bout this when they saw me.It's such embarrasing for me.N thx for lend some time to read it XD

L!Fe'S GoEs oN

I not sure what is da perfect title for this post n I dont want to care bout it...

Here I goes with my another craps feelings.

Around these days,I think of many things...N it's giving me a new perspective of life..There r many things that happen to me "accidentally",well what I mean is it's not happen on purpose.Sometimes I wonder what is da feelings of death?Does it hurt n pain enough if compare wit a pain n suffering that I suffer since I in primary school.

"Gastric".This is not a big deal for everyone,gastric is just a common things nowadays.N I even feel nothing when I had it several years ago..But now,it's makes me scared,damn scared!!God,It's you who decides my fate n everyone's fate right?I dont ask a sympathy from anyone cuz of my gastric problems..But cuz of it I cant feel da feeling that I love most now..

Da feelings of tired.Tired of after a training..When everytimes I go to training,I look at everyone's..Well no one's know how I wish to b one of them..Now everytimes when I come back from training there's a nightmare waiting for me..I will rolling at my bed n my body is wet by sweat.I cant do anything,even cry nor shout..It's hurt!!!N I cant stand of it everytimes it happen on me but I can do nothing..da medicine that doc gives to me is useless,it's does not affect on me!!

I'm not hoping god takes away this pain from me but I just hopes that I have da strength to against it.Now,it's been two weeks I dont attend my tkd training n my life full wit miserable.Everythings turn upside down n makes me feel more sucks!!When everythimes I dont go for a training,some of my friends ask me bout it..Guys what can I tell all of you is just a lie!!Yea,maybe I'm wrong cuz lying all of you but it's not that what I ask for..I dont want to lie,but I cant tell da truth too...

I'm giving all da excuses to all of you cuz I dont want all of you think bout my problems..reality is,it's getting serious n I can feel it by myself..None of my parents o family know bout it..Dad,I dont want to goes on another surgery again..I dont want to lay on da bed n b a patience..Why cant I just b a normal human that can stand still n stay healthy like others??

In this world,humans thinks luxury,status n money is everything to through a life,but they have to bear in mind that there r some things that money can do nothing.It is health n family...

!t's GoNn@ EnD

I really in mood to post something right now..

Well, I had nothing to share wit but I will try my best taking an alphabet n sew it into words..Huh!!Yea like da title "It's gonna end"..da holiday is gonna end...I thought I can change myself to da old me in this holiday..I try to gain spirit to face another challenging n boring life after this holiday..But I phailed!

I still here,n still without any changes..Still da old jac that lethargic n loves to stay in dark places alone..

This life is such an empty spaces for me,n da oly places that left for me is oly my room..a room that makes me feel warm n cozy..that's da oly places that I feel free n willing to share everything..

In this holiday I trying hard to change myself,I thought this holiday would be da perfect time to make myself escape from tiredness that I facing all this time,a moment to change myself to become a better one but da holiday gonna end soon n I cant gain any spirit but I turn to become more lethargic..I admit this holiday is such a damn boring holiday for me..In reality I should be happy cuz this damn moments gonna end soon but actually deep inside my hearts I dont hope to face da moments yet..

I still wanna be like now,da one that wake up when others taking lunch,da one that on9-ing when others making sweet dreams n da one that spend da whole day n times oly in my room...But no matter I like it or not it's gonna end soon...

In a reality this holiday will be a holiday that I cant forget most,No!!I should say I wont forget it till end of me cuz I lost something that I treasure in my life..Da one that I loves most n da one that can accept me no matter how or what I am..His da one who makes my laughter as sweet as candy,his da one who aways treating my wound when I'm hurt n his da one who aways by my side when I needed a companion...

I know everyone gonna lost something that they loves one day..N actualy I already know that one day I gonna lost him too..but I never know that I really cant lost him in my life...It's juz a pet..Yeah,just a pet..but his da one that I treasure after my family...N da one that light up my life...Da reason why I'm still here today..

Now his gone forever,but I still will live on cuz I will keep all da moments n every memories that I treasure wit him till da end of me...N I still will love him as da way I do,no matter how many years I keep on breathing..my love to him will never fade even once in a sec of time...